ETSY to Supply ISIS with 10,000 Whitetail Deer Sweaters

ISIS to adopt new whitetail-pattern uniform.
ISIS to partner with ETSY for new across-the-board adoption of whitetail-deer patterned sweaters as standard garb for all ISIS members effective 1 October 2014

Mosul, Iraq. In a move that surprised many, ETSY, self-proclaimed ‘The world’s most vibrant hand-made marketplace’, confirmed reports that it had begun distribution of 10,000 whitetail deer patterned sweaters to the world’s foremost terror organization, ISIS. Etsy’s tagline “Shop from People Directly Around the World” was called into scrutiny yesterday as ETSY decision-makers met to debate running Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi’s credit card. “When we initially saw the order we thought it was fraudulent,” said ETSY spokeswoman Michelle Ackersten. “We contacted Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi immediately. He informed us that he had not made the purchase, but rather one of his associates on a company credit card. We informed Mr. Al-Baghdadi that we would be happy to cancel the purchase. He requested a proof of the sweater, which was e-mailed to him as a jpeg file. After viewing the sweater, he rather readily acceded, saying it was ‘just what the Caliphate needs'”. The price for the 10000 sweaters, sold at 20 per unit, totals 200,000 USD. Plans for future purchases are tentative, pending a trial period for the first 10000 sweater-wearers to rate the sweaters’ overall comfortability, durability and style. If the reaction is positive, this could prove to be a very profitable relationship for ETSY.

ISIS Member Wearing Whitetail Sweater (see 0:50 – 0:54)

ISIS, the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, has gained control of many cities in Syria and Iraq. Once in power, it has begun enforcing the teaching of radical Islamic theology in schools, mandatory covering for women and the strict enforcement of religious rules with public executions or amputations for anyone who does not comply. Al-Baghdadi has announced plans to include mandatory wearing of the whitetail sweaters for all citizens of the soon-to-be-established Islamic Caliphate. With a combined population of approximately 54 million people in Syria and Iraq (18 million and 36 million, respectively), this would prove enormously profitable for ETSY, but place an unreasonable burden on ETSY shop owner Martha Agnew, 86, of Escanaba, Michigan who hand-sews all her whitetail sweaters. “I think I could do about 20 or 30 more, but after that my fingers start to get tired…” said Agnew who has been making sweaters since 1936 for family and friends, and had only recently begun advertising her wares on ETSY. Agnew, diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, was advised by her orthopedic specialist to “take it easy”. At this juncture, it appears Agnew will be forced to choose between obeying her physician and fulfilling ISIS’ 10,000-sweater order.

“If this order goes through, if ISIS likes the sweaters and decides to enforce its citizens to wear them, that would generate $1,080,000,000 in revenue, nearly five times ETSY’s reported revenue for all of 2011. ETSY takes 20 cents per item sold on its website, so it stands to gain a lot as well from this transatlantic transaction” economist Rick Sneeves stated. “But while I’m sure ETSY would love that kind of revenue, it simply isn’t plausible, they operate entirely on handmade items. And in this particular case, these have been hand-sewn by an elderly woman whose long-term health is questionable. Also, the fact that the sweaters are going to a known terror organization poses some PR difficulties for it’s [ETSY’S] U.S. customer-base.”

Chad Dickerson, Chief Technology Officer was unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson for ETSY was quoted as saying “While ETSY does not openly support ISIS, we do want them to be warm. It can become very cold in Iraq, especially at night”. The spokesperson emphatically denied allegations that ETSY was an acronym for Empire of Terror in Syria, Yes. However, it may not be enough to persuade ETSY’s patriotic American customers, thousands of whom have begun protesting ETSY’s perceived support of ISIS, carrying signs outside ETSY headquarters with messages such as “Let them freeze”, “Keep Whitetail American” and “What the Hell, ETSY?”. FBI officials say a full investigation is underway to investigate etymological links between ETSY, ISIS, ISIL and oddly, ISI (Ice Skating Institute). ETSY’s terrorist affiliation is “tenuous at best” but “warrants further investigation” according to FBI spokesperson Tom Greer, who requested to remain anonymous, but whose requested was denied.

Correspondents were able to locate the man who originally placed the order for the sweaters, who explained his rationale for the enormous wardrobe overhaul. “We wanted to move away from the black. I mean, I like black…but I just felt that– well, we felt that it was just becoming cliche. We want to move away from that. We’re ISIS, not the grim reaper. Well, we’re similar– but not that similar. We just want a new image, that’s our own,” said Abu Shareef Abdul Ahmed Al-Ladhi Yelbis As-Sweteri Fi As-sura, who requested to remain anonymous. (He is the one in the photo)

It has been confirmed in recent UN reports that the ETSY delivery trucks carrying an estimated 7,200 whitetail sweaters were hit by American fighter jets as part of ongoing strikes unleashed by the U.S. on Thursday. “It is uncertain exactly how many sweaters have been damaged, or what ETSY’s policy is on undelivered goods, or where the responsibility lies in times of war…” said Sneeves. ETSY’s war-zone delivery policy includes the following bullet-point (no pun intended) – ‘ETSY will not be held liable for destruction of items in transit due to airstrikes.’ ISIS has not yet commented on the loss of over 70% of its sweater order, but is likely to request a full refund. Sneeves went on to say, “I would hate to see ETSY get pulled into the middle of this Middle East melee because of a financial hornet’s nest like this. If I were them, I’d refund the money, cut ties with ISIS, and keep your whitetail sweaters stateside.”


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