WASHINGTON, D.C. Donald Trump has announced plans to turn the White House green. No, he’s not talking about giving the pallid residence of the POTUS a new coat of paint, but rather equipping it with an environmentally friendly alternative energy source: liberal tears. The same Donald Trump who called climate change “very expensive … bullshit” has done a complete about-face and pioneered the most ambitious energy-saving innovation the country has seen since the invention of reusable toilet paper.
Touched by the display of emotion from some of his most loyal haters, Trump began bottling the tears of his liberal detractors early on in his candidacy. While it seemed the program would fall considerably short of the required 750 trillion gallon mark required to power the White House for 4 years, the liberal reaction to his victory on election night was just the outpouring of support he needed. As broken people lay prostrate on their living room floor in pools of liquid sorrow, Trump’s team bottled more than 70% of its 750 trillion gallon tear quota between 2 and 5 am on November 9. Another 20% was acquired by undercover Trump operatives at nationwide university cry-ins the day after the election. “It was like they knew I needed their tears,” said Trump.
While he himself didn’t do any of the bottling, he oversaw its implementation indirectly while intentionally driving up liberal tear output by way of hurtful misogynistic, racist, and xenophobic rants. “I didn’t mean any of it, honestly, it was all for the program,” stated Trump in a private interview. The program he speaks of is Tears for Torrs, of which he unabashedly claims ownership of both idea and name.
“That was my idea, and the name too. I like the Ts, probably because my last name starts with T and I like myself.”
When asked to define Torr, Trump replied with signature flippancy, “You know, it’s a word I don’t personally use, but I have people on it, some real smart people. They’re looking into it and it’s gonna be great.”
While many of us are still scratching our heads wondering how a celebrity businessman managed to attain the highest political office in the land, we will now undoubtedly be faced with an even more puzzling question: How did Trump manage to clandestinely contain the tears of the offended left without their knowledge and subsequently transform them into a viable energy source to power the White House? The answer will floor you.
“You wanna know how I did it? I’ll tell you how I did it: short mexican boys with mason jars. I paid them handsomely, sure, and they’re good at what they do. I mean these guys are young professionals, and very short. You’d never see them if you weren’t looking. These are some short hombres we’re talking about.”
Trump has stated emphatically that if liberals continue to produce tears at the current rate he will be able to unilaterally replace Obama’s “stupid, dumb” Clean Power Plan with his “great, outstanding” Tears for Torrs within days of his inauguration. “The liberal people are important people,” said Trump. “We need their tears. Keep crying, folks, you’re powering my cable TV, internet, jacuzzi, all of it.”