“Ok, so it was more like 6-mile and my palms weren’t really that sweaty,” admits Eminem, whose real name is not Marshall Mathers, as previously believed, but Mark Mather, without an s.
Mark Mather (Eminem) admits to adding both the s and the extra 2 miles in an attempt to amp up the appeal of his self-produced self-o-biography 8-mile, a film about himself, Mark Mather (Eminem).
Gia Mangrove Phipps, Intellectual Integrity Investigator (III) at Intellectual Integrity Investigations, Inc. (IIII) states, “I looked into Eminem’s (Mark Mather’s) case, and it appears that all numericals represented in the autobiographical film and many subsequent songs were off by at least 2. In addition to that he made numerous statements that were patently false.”
Eminem’s debut superhit “Lose Yourself” was found to be propagated on a bald-faced lie. Beginning with the implication that he had had only one shot, and only one opportunity (he actually had 3 of each), he proceeds with what is now being called, “a big, big exaggeration”.
Phipps: You mention “not getting by on your 9 to 5″…
Phipps: Isn’t it true, Mr. Mather, that your actual working hours were 7 to 3?
Eminem: Well, you see-
Phipps: No further questions your honor. This man is a liar.
Eminem also confessed to other blatant distortions of truth, most heinous of which was the lie that the vomit on his sweater was comprised of remnants from a meal his mother had supposedly prepared earlier that evening. The following court transcript reveals what actually happened:
Phipps: Mr. Mather, would you please tell the court what you actually ate for dinner the night that “your palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, and there was vomit on your sweater already”?
Eminem: Uhh..it was spag–
Phipps: You swore on the HOLY BIBLE Mr. Mather! The truth, please!
Eminem: Ok, it was lasagna. I had lasagna.
Phipps: Whose lasagna, Mr. Mather?
Eminem: My aunt’s
Phipps: A compulsive liar, your honor.
What other lies has the king of lies thrust upon his devoted fans? Well for starters, he references “tearing the mother******* roof off like two dogs caged”. A friend of Mr. Mather reached for comment recalls, “There were four dogs. Two were pretty small, so I don’t know if he was lying or maybe he just didn’t see them. They were like baby chihuahuas, so, you know I guess I can see why he would not want to add that part.”
Regardless of the number of dogs in the mother******* cage, Mark Mather (Eminem) has some explaining to do.
Phipps asks that this article be shared on all social media outlets to send the following unequivocal message to Eminem:
“Give us the truth, Mark. Stop adding or subtracting two from things, or taking away an s, or naming different Italian foods to rhyme with your lyrics. We know what you are doing and we’ve had enough. Get help.”
Phipps hopes that by raising awareness of figure-fudgers like Eminem it will open up the door to fight larger issues. She is currently investigating pop sensation Ariana Grande for lying about her size. “You don’t have to be Mexican to know that grande means big,” says Phipps, “and I’ve seen that girl and she is mucho pequeño [sic].”