People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has been pitched into a nasty internal crisis after Planned Parenthood announced it will begin offering abortions to select members of The Animal Kingdom beginning in June. Initially leveling allegations of animal cruelty at Planned Parenthood, certain PETA decision-makers intended to hit the nation’s leading abortion broker with a lawsuit that would make it illegal for them to offer abortions to animals under any circumstances. Prior to making any serious legal headway, however, PETA was stymied by division within its own ranks.
With a nearly 50/50 split between those identifying as Pro-Life and those identifying as Pro-Choice on the animal abortion issue, it seemed things could not get any dicier. While doubts were being raised as to the ability of animals to make such weighty decisions, two more subroups emerged from the fracas, raising their voices above the melee, waving their banners amid the brouhaha, touting their tenets betwixt the tumult.
The first group, self-identifying as Pro-OwnerChoice, would grant exclusive decision-making rights to the animal’s owner(s), the decision being subdivided into percentages in the event of multiple owners based on who takes care of the animal the most. In the event of a disagreement amongst equal caretakers, each owner would be required to stand at opposite ends of a large room and call to the animal. Whichever owner the animal runs to would be granted right of choice. Example: Peter says the dog is his, but mommy is the one who feeds it and cleans up the poop, so mommy gets to abort the puppies. However, in the event that duties are equally split, and the dog runs to Peter at least 6 out of 10 times, Peter may veto his mother’s decision to abort the puppies. Peter’s mother may shout, “I should have aborted you,” but Peter is still not required to rescind his decision.
The second group, Pro-Dice, suggests casting of lots for the lives of the unborn animals. Two die are rolled three times, if the result of any of the three rolls are doubles, the animals will be aborted.
Naturally, the question being asked by everyone at this point is: Given that the average gestational period of an American Possum is 12 days, at what point are unborn possum fetuses considered unabortable? Tough questions like these seem to be provoking animosity rather than constructive dialogue. For now, a story from a local family on how Planned Parenthood’s Animal Abortion Clinics is lightening the load:
“Our tabby cat Missy is on her 7th pregnancy, she’s had over 50 kittens in the last year and we just can’t keep this up, our place is already overrun with cats. We contacted Planned Parenthood and they said Missy would be a great candidate for an abortion. We were overjoyed. And the price. Don’t get me started on the price. Let’s just say we can do the abortion and take the kids out for ice cream afterwards.”