Sun Comes Out, Making it Universe’s First Openly Gay Celestial Body

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS. Scholars now agree that the classic play Annie was in fact foretelling the sun’s public declaration of same-sex attraction in its hallmark ballad “the sun will come out tomorrow” (“Tomorrow”).  The sun came out this morning in fact, Tuesday, December 30. Appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, he left the set and all 103 members of the live audience deeply moved by his story and reduced to a pile of molten ash by his hotness. The only survivor was Oprah Winfrey herself. A bionic humanoid composed of heat-resistent titanium and molybdenum alloys, Oprah was unphased by the sun’s revelation of same-sex attraction as well as his 27 million degrees of scorching heat.


Not present at the show was Elton John, who due to a previous encounter with the sun on a San Francisco beach in 1973, declined the sun’s personal invitation to attend. Although openly gay, Elton wrote the song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” after declining repeated offers of oral sex from the steaming hot ball of plasma. “I did not allow the sun to go down on me at that particular time”, recalls Elton of that steamy San Francisco afternoon, “not because I wasn’t in the mood or doubted his abilities, but because I was afraid of having my genitals incinerated by 27 million degree flaming gasses. “

When asked by Oprah about the incident, the sun just laughed and said, “Sorry, Elton. Sometimes I forget how hot I am.” While on the show, the sun promised to continue shining on all people regardless of sexuality, but did threaten to incinierate any states refusing to pass marriage equality laws.

Phil Robertson, reached for comment, lamented “They got the rainbow, now they got the sun, I guess the moon is next”. He will likely join the hoards of homophobic conservatives flocking to the optometrist office by the thousands to purchase a pair of GayBans, sunglasses specially designed to filter homosexual UV rays from the now openly gay sun. The sun’s declaration has bolstered the LGBT equal rights movement immensely as well as paved the way for other celestial bodies to embrace their sexuality.


Obama Designates December as National Awareness Awareness Month

obama-presserPresident Obama issued a presidential proclamation yesterday, designating December as National Awareness Awareness Month, responding to a glaring need across the nation for Americans to “have a firm grasp on what is taking place in certain places at any given time, taking the time to grasp the given details that are developing all the time.”

Awareness awareness month will seek to inform people that yes, events are happening, and yes they are affecting everyone, not just these people over there, or those people over here, or here are their people with their problems, and there are our people and there are problems, but we are all people here wherever we are and whatever are our problems.

A recent Gallup poll indicated that an alarming 72% of White middle-class Native Hawaiian Americans “weren’t aware”, 74% of non-white Black Hispanic Non-resident Aliens “didn’t know”, and 79% of Hispanic non-Black African-Pacific Islanders “had no idea”.  68% of Native Alaskan-American Indians claimed they “had a pretty good handle on things” but it was later confirmed that they in fact did not. Likewise Asian Latino non-Hispanic White-blacks had “almost no brain activity whatsoever regarding the thing that went down a little bit ago over there”. Nearly all participants surveyed became defensive when asked simple questions such as “Who?” “When?”, “What?”, “Why?” or “Whore?”, and were unable to offer a coherent answer.

Following is Obama’s statement from yesterday’s press conference:

“We want people to have the right information because information is their right. Not having the right information is not the right answer. The answer is right now and we want it now, right away. Things are always changing and changing things always happen all around. If we don’t wake up and sieze the day, we’re going to wake up and see that the day is over. Wake up. All of it. Things like circumstances, acts, cases, situations, occasions, matters, incidences, accidences, and experiences. Gone. We must be always aware, never neglectful, continually cognizant, and never not know no new news. Never. It all starts with awareness awareness and can go literally anywhere from there. There is no limit to what we can do if we stand together and remain aware of our awareness. We aren’t going to allow things to happen without them allowing us to know about them happening. We want details and we want them within our desired timeframe, whatever that may be. We’ll look ahead in anticipation and embrace the things that are as if we knew all along that what we have is inside of ourselves and not somewhere else like over there or behind that tree or underneath a thing like this. This is the time. This is the place. There is no place like this time. We are the ones to create this future and that future will happen right after this.”

15.5 Terrifying Quotes from Actual Unicorns

WARNING: Following are fifteen and a half quotes from some of the most cynical unicorns in history. Due to the deeply disturbing nature of this piece, we recommend not attempting to sleep for days after reading, and never under any circumstances to read them aloud in the presence of children.  

“The road to nowhere is paved with the frozen tears of slow children. Now give me the shovel.”

-A unicorn, behind Darryl’s woodshed, 1975

Darryl refused to hand over the shovel.
Darryl refused to hand over the shovel.

“By the sadistic treason of Hell’s mocking eye, I shall never be but a flamboyantly colorful graphic on a schoolboy’s backpack.”

– Randy, Ethel’s potluck, Greensborough, South Carolina 1988

“I’ll ruin you, Roth.”

-business deal gone bad, 1948


“The corn is cold, Belinda, the corn, the corn.”

– A unicorn, Old Country Buffet, Missouri 1961


“This sweet potato casserole is on point, Bonnie.”

– Same unicorn, Old Country Buffet, Missouri, 1961


“The time of doom is nigh, for the cruel blight of hip dysplasia shall cast a desolate glow o’er the writhing corpse of youth’s delusion.”

-nameless unicorn prophet, Farmer’s Almanac, July 1816, p. 37

“The green tree flourishes yet our strange souls languish in turgid squalor.”

-Brad, unicorn, this century for sure, if not last century


“Ahoy, mate, have you got the time?”

– Deceptively friendly unicorn, London, England, 3 o’clock


“The only fire that matters is the one you are standing in.”

– unicorn, Ms. P’s kindergarten class, 1991

Eric standing in fire.
Eric standing in fire.

“I loathe people.”

– unicorn, the darkness of Behemoth, Frothgrol, 1750


“There is no light at the end of the tunnel, only a wall and a stern-faced man asking for your papers.”

– Dorian Trent, Unicorn, Preston v. Alderaan, Buxton, Alabama June 1942


“Hope is an illusion. So savor the fleeting moments of mediocrity before the squalid pall of death looms over your deserted grave.”

-Linus Eldridge Hatton, II, unicorn, Raingrove, CA 1931


“Being young is a but warm-up for death. Shall we skip the warm-up for today, children?”

– Leonard Rosenthal, P.E. teacher/unicorn, Brighton Elementary, 1955


“Love is just a bunch of chemicals. Write that down.”

– Roger Amhearst, unicorn/science professor,
Lecture: “Inescapable Realities of Your Sordid Existence”, Tibet 1993


“To be or not to be? No one ever asked me.”

– Lance, unicorn, twitter, 2009


“The call is coming from insi–“

-Betsy, unicorn, R.I.P. (1969-1977)