PETA Divided Over Planned Parenthood’s Proposed Animal Abortion Clinics

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has been pitched into a nasty internal crisis after Planned Parenthood announced it will begin offering abortions to select members of The Animal Kingdom beginning in June. Initially leveling allegations of animal cruelty at Planned Parenthood, certain PETA decision-makers intended to hit the nation’s leading abortion broker with a lawsuit that would make it illegal for them to offer abortions to animals under any circumstances. Prior to making any serious legal headway, however, PETA was stymied by division within its own ranks.

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With a nearly 50/50 split between those identifying as Pro-Life and those identifying as Pro-Choice on the animal abortion issue, it seemed things could not get any dicier. While doubts were being raised as to the ability of animals to make such weighty decisions, two more subroups emerged from the fracas, raising their voices above the melee, waving their banners amid the brouhaha, touting their tenets betwixt the tumult.

The first group, self-identifying as Pro-OwnerChoice, would grant exclusive decision-making rights to the animal’s owner(s), the decision being subdivided into percentages in the event of multiple owners based on who takes care of the animal the most. In the event of a disagreement amongst equal caretakers, each owner would be required to stand at opposite ends of a large room and call to the animal. Whichever owner the animal runs to would be granted right of choice. Example: Peter says the dog is his, but mommy is the one who feeds it and cleans up the poop, so mommy gets to abort the puppies. However, in the event that duties are equally split, and the dog runs to Peter at least 6 out of 10 times, Peter may veto his mother’s decision to abort the puppies. Peter’s mother may shout, “I should have aborted you,” but Peter is still not required to rescind his decision.

The second group, Pro-Dice, suggests casting of lots for the lives of the unborn animals. Two die are rolled three times, if the result of any of the three rolls are doubles, the animals will be aborted.

Naturally, the question being asked by everyone at this point is: Given that the average gestational period of an American Possum is 12 days, at what point are unborn possum fetuses considered unabortable? Tough questions like these seem to be provoking animosity rather than constructive dialogue. For now, a story from a local family on how Planned Parenthood’s Animal Abortion Clinics is lightening the load:

“Our tabby cat Missy is on her 7th pregnancy, she’s had over 50 kittens in the last year and we just can’t keep this up, our place is already overrun with cats. We contacted Planned Parenthood and they said Missy would be a great candidate for an abortion. We were overjoyed. And the price. Don’t get me started on the price. Let’s just say we can do the abortion and take the kids out for ice cream afterwards.”

 

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Sun Comes Out, Making it Universe’s First Openly Gay Celestial Body

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS. Scholars now agree that the classic play Annie was in fact foretelling the sun’s public declaration of same-sex attraction in its hallmark ballad “the sun will come out tomorrow” (“Tomorrow”).  The sun came out this morning in fact, Tuesday, December 30. Appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, he left the set and all 103 members of the live audience deeply moved by his story and reduced to a pile of molten ash by his hotness. The only survivor was Oprah Winfrey herself. A bionic humanoid composed of heat-resistent titanium and molybdenum alloys, Oprah was unphased by the sun’s revelation of same-sex attraction as well as his 27 million degrees of scorching heat.

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Not present at the show was Elton John, who due to a previous encounter with the sun on a San Francisco beach in 1973, declined the sun’s personal invitation to attend. Although openly gay, Elton wrote the song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” after declining repeated offers of oral sex from the steaming hot ball of plasma. “I did not allow the sun to go down on me at that particular time”, recalls Elton of that steamy San Francisco afternoon, “not because I wasn’t in the mood or doubted his abilities, but because I was afraid of having my genitals incinerated by 27 million degree flaming gasses. “

When asked by Oprah about the incident, the sun just laughed and said, “Sorry, Elton. Sometimes I forget how hot I am.” While on the show, the sun promised to continue shining on all people regardless of sexuality, but did threaten to incinierate any states refusing to pass marriage equality laws.

Phil Robertson, reached for comment, lamented “They got the rainbow, now they got the sun, I guess the moon is next”. He will likely join the hoards of homophobic conservatives flocking to the optometrist office by the thousands to purchase a pair of GayBans, sunglasses specially designed to filter homosexual UV rays from the now openly gay sun. The sun’s declaration has bolstered the LGBT equal rights movement immensely as well as paved the way for other celestial bodies to embrace their sexuality.

Alaska Belatedly Declares Plans to Secede over “Seward’s Folly” Insult

Interstate_Alaska_mapBy Spade King
23 November 2014 12:20 EDT

FAIRBANKS, AK–

Alaska is fed up with the put downs, and has declared plans to secede if even one more person refers to it as Seward’s Folly.  “It was funny for the first 100 years, but honestly it’s really starting to get old. I mean seriously, folly? Who says folly anymore? That’s so King James. The next person to make a Seward’s Folly joke is going to have the smack laid down upon them. We are fully prepared to secede, and have already received some pretty attractive offers from Canada and Russia,” Alaska stated to journalists this morning, adding that

“If you think something is yours, let it go…if it comes back, good…if not then you’re a jerk and should shut your stupid mouth.”

An internet survey revealed that 90% of Americans thought that Alaska was being overdramatic and wouldn’t actually go through with it, with 8% saying they would stop referring to the state as Seward’s Folly, wishing that Alaska had said something sooner if it was bothering them, and 2% threatening to come up with something a lot worse than Seward’s Folly.

President Obama has not stated what the official White House course of action would be should Alaska secede, but has reminded residents of the 48 contiguous states that we don’t use words like stupid, dumb or folly due to their hurtful nature. The President has also asked ringleader states California, Texas, and New York to say three nice things about Alaska, and not sarcastically or it won’t count. Experts believe the President is merely placating Alaska and is unlikely to take any real action against the bullies given his limited time remaining in office and the impending unicorn invasion.

Alaska was very clear that in the event of its secession, “We will be taking Anderson Cooper with us.”