Eminem Admits 8-Mile “a Bit of an Exaggeration”

eminem123654“Ok, so it was more like 6-mile and my palms weren’t really that sweaty,” admits Eminem, whose real name is not Marshall Mathers, as previously believed, but Mark Mather, without an s.

Mark Mather (Eminem) admits to adding both the s and the extra 2 miles in an attempt to amp up the appeal of his self-produced self-o-biography 8-mile, a film about himself, Mark Mather (Eminem).

Gia Mangrove Phipps, Intellectual Integrity Investigator (III) at Intellectual Integrity Investigations, Inc. (IIII) states, “I looked into Eminem’s (Mark Mather’s) case, and it appears that all numericals represented in the autobiographical film and many subsequent songs were off by at least 2. In addition to that he made numerous statements that were patently false.”

Eminem’s debut superhit “Lose Yourself” was found to be propagated on a bald-faced lie. Beginning with the implication that he had had only one shot, and only one opportunity (he actually had 3 of each), he proceeds with what is now being called, “a big, big exaggeration”.

Phipps: You mention “not getting by on your 9 to 5″…
Eminem: Yes…
Phipps: Isn’t it true, Mr. Mather, that your actual working hours were 7 to 3?
Eminem: Well, you see-
Phipps: No further questions your honor. This man is a liar. 

Eminem also confessed to other blatant distortions of truth, most heinous of which was the lie that the vomit on his sweater was comprised of remnants from a meal his mother had supposedly prepared earlier that evening. The following court transcript reveals what actually happened:

Phipps: Mr. Mather, would you please tell the court what you actually ate for dinner the night that “your palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, and there was vomit on your sweater already”?
Eminem: Uhh..it was spag–
Phipps: You swore on the HOLY BIBLE Mr. Mather! The truth, please!
Eminem: Ok, it was lasagna. I had lasagna.
Phipps: Whose lasagna, Mr. Mather?
Eminem: My aunt’s
Phipps: A compulsive liar, your honor.

lasagnetti
EXHIBIT A: Spaghetti (left) Lasagna (right).
eminemauntmom
EXHIBIT B: Eminem’s mother (left) aunt (right)

 

 

 

 

 

 
What other lies has the king of lies thrust upon his devoted fans? Well for starters, he references “tearing the mother******* roof off like two dogs caged”. A friend of Mr. Mather reached for comment recalls, “There were four dogs. Two were pretty small, so I don’t know if he was lying or maybe he just didn’t see them. They were like baby chihuahuas, so, you know I guess I can see why he would not want to add that part.”

Regardless of the number of dogs in the mother******* cage, Mark Mather (Eminem) has some explaining to do.

Phipps asks that this article be shared on all social media outlets to send the following unequivocal message to Eminem:

“Give us the truth, Mark. Stop adding or subtracting two from things, or taking away an s, or naming different Italian foods to rhyme with your lyrics. We know what you are doing and we’ve had enough. Get help.”

Phipps hopes that by raising awareness of figure-fudgers like Eminem it will open up the door to fight larger issues. She is currently investigating pop sensation Ariana Grande for lying about her size. “You don’t have to be Mexican to know that grande means big,” says Phipps, “and I’ve seen that girl and she is mucho pequeño [sic].”

Oprah’s Racist Tweet Provokes International Outrage

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Oprah Winfrey, known widely as a champion of tolerance and equality, is on a rapid descent into the bowels of public scorn after tweeting the above racial slur. After receiving heavy criticism for her vile, insensitive, hateful, bigoted, reprehensible, heinously-appalling statement, she has yet to issue an apology or express any remorse. Yesterday she even retweeted the same tweet to President Obama.

Many of her followers have deserted her and denounced her remarks publicly. Discovery Communications and Harpo Productions have revealed that they are “looking into the matter” but have not confirmed whether The Oprah Winfrey Show will continue to air. Meanwhile Oprah’s twitter feed is overwhelmed by people speaking out against her vicious racial slur:

“@OprahWinfrey is a racist, thickheaded neanderthal and an offense to humanity. We’ve enjoyed her show for over 20 years and now this. Go lick an ebola-infected fencepost you prehistoric goon!”

“That’s disgusting and not funny @OprahWinfrey. Go back to the medieval times you javelin-throwing baby killer!”

“Why are hateful, intolerant stereotypes like this funny, @OprahWinfrey? Some people have no love. Go start a colony on mars you vapid, steam-cleaned Croft & Barrow® Classic-Fit Solid Broadcloth Point Collar Dress Shirt!”

The public whiplash turned towards President Obama who, apparently approving of Oprah’s tasteless tweet, retweeted to the United Nations suggesting that they require the entire country of Italy and all of its ethnically Italian residents to exist on a 15 degree slant. 

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Obama immediately issued an apology admitting he was wrong and had a temporary lapse in judgement, saying “They don’t normally let me tweet my own tweets, and now I see why.”

Congress Passes “No Christmas Music Before Thanksgiving” (NCMBT) Act

images via gopixpic.net, dbszabo1.deviantart.com, savvymusician.com
images via gopixpic.net, dbszabo1.deviantart.com, savvymusician.com

After a 120,000 signature petition garnered the attention of several state representatives last week, a public bill was proposed to address what President Obama referred to as as “the atrocious and repulsive trend of playing Christmas music waaaaaaay too early.”

Congress wasted no time passing the bill, which was approved unanimously by Republicans and Democrats, effectively banning the playing of Christmas music prior to Thanksgiving. Failure to comply with the law will result in a substantial fine and/or 90 days in jail for store managers. Included in the bill is the mandatory installation of Christmas music detection technology (CMDT) in every major retail store in the U.S.

Obama states, “We are treating this as the threat that it is– on par with terrorism and Ebola; it has the potential to erode the nation’s sanity and destroy all that is pure and good in the world. As president, I will not stand idly by while endless covers of Jingle Bells assault our ears as we shop for discounted candy the day after Halloween.”

Many high-profile retailers are unhappy about the ruling, maintaining that playing the James Taylor at Christmas album on repeat is their constitutional right.

“Christmas music puts our customers in that giddy, frivolous Christmas spirit that makes them spend, spend, spend their money, money, money,” laughs area Kohl’s manager Russ Hoffman maniacally, as bolts of red and green forked lighting shoot from his fingertips into an ominous black sky.

He’s not the only one upset with the decision. “Without Christmas music, people wouldn’t fill their carts with our essentially worthless trinkets. And if they don’t fill their carts with our essentially worthless trinkets, we won’t be able to make more essentially worthless trinkets” says local Marshall’s manager Nancy Brightwood, emitting a long, guttural groan and turning empty, soulless eyes skyward. A Santa Clause figurine drops from her limp hand and shatters on the floor.

The first violation of NCMBT, and a disturbing reminder of just what sordid lows the premature playing of Christmas music has reached, took place this morning at a Home Depot in Milwaukee Wisconsin.  Store patrons claimed hearing music from Christmas 2015 playing on the loudspeakers. After unsuccessfully trying to Shazaam the music, they gave up and called NCMBT’s Christmas Music Abuse Hotline. Authorities arrived on the scene and were able to identify the music as One Direction’s not-yet-recorded album “Jingle My Bells, Bae…Lol.”

Members of One Direction were shocked to learn that their still unfinished album was someone played in a Milwaukee Home Depot over a month before Christmas
Members of One Direction were shocked to learn that their still unfinished album was somehow played in a Milwaukee Home Depot over a month before Christmas, a year before the album’s release

 

“How is that even possible?” cried an incredulous Harry Styles, vocalist for One Direction. “We had jammed a bit, scratched out a few lyrics, but we haven’t even recorded a single song on the album yet! How are they playing it? This has to be illegal.” Home Depot is facing heavy fines and seeking replacements for their 3 on-duty managers who are currently serving their 90-day sentences.

Having more or less neutralized the premature Christmas music threat, Congress will likely turn their attention to a similar 80,000 signature petition seeking to ban “All About that Bass” from nationwide fitness centers. The petition gained momentum after several patrons of a 24 Hour Fitness in Chicago hurled themselves from the 40-foot high running track to avoid hearing the song again.