Liberal Tears to Power White House Generator for Next 4 Years

WASHINGTON, D.C. Donald Trump has announced plans to turn the White House green. No, he’s not talking about giving the pallid residence of the POTUS a new coat of paint, but rather equipping it with an environmentally friendly alternative energy source: liberal tears. The same Donald Trump who called climate change “very expensive … bullshit” has done a complete about-face and pioneered the most ambitious energy-saving innovation the country has seen since the invention of reusable toilet paper.

Touched by the display of emotion from some of his most loyal haters, Trump began bottling the tears of his liberal detractors early on in his candidacy. While it seemed the program would fall considerably short of the required 750 trillion gallon mark required to power the White House for 4 years, the liberal reaction to his victory on election night was just the outpouring of support he needed. As broken people lay prostrate on their living room floor in pools of liquid sorrow, Trump’s team bottled more than 70% of its 750 trillion gallon tear quota between 2 and 5 am on November 9. Another 20% was acquired by undercover Trump operatives at nationwide university cry-ins the day after the election. “It was like they knew I needed their tears,” said Trump. 

While he himself didn’t do any of the bottling, he oversaw its implementation indirectly while intentionally driving up liberal tear output by way of hurtful misogynistic, racist, and xenophobic rants. “I didn’t mean any of it, honestly, it was all for the program,” stated Trump in a private interview. The program he speaks of is Tears for Torrs, of which he unabashedly claims ownership of both idea and name.  

“That was my idea, and the name too. I like the Ts, probably because my last name starts with T and I like myself.”

When asked to define Torr, Trump replied with signature flippancy, “You know, it’s a word I don’t personally use, but I have people on it, some real smart people. They’re looking into it and it’s gonna be great.”

While many of us are still scratching our heads wondering how a celebrity businessman managed to attain the highest political office in the land, we will now undoubtedly be faced with an even more puzzling question: How did Trump manage to clandestinely contain the tears of the offended left without their knowledge and subsequently transform them into a viable energy source to power the White House? The answer will floor you.

“You wanna know how I did it? I’ll tell you how I did it: short mexican boys with mason jars. I paid them handsomely, sure, and they’re good at what they do. I mean these guys are young professionals, and very short. You’d never see them if you weren’t looking. These are some short hombres we’re talking about.”

Trump has stated emphatically that if liberals continue to produce tears at the current rate he will be able to unilaterally replace Obama’s “stupid, dumb” Clean Power Plan with his “great, outstanding” Tears for Torrs within days of his inauguration. “The liberal people are important people,” said Trump. “We need their tears. Keep crying, folks, you’re powering my cable TV, internet, jacuzzi, all of it.”


Eminem Admits 8-Mile “a Bit of an Exaggeration”

eminem123654“Ok, so it was more like 6-mile and my palms weren’t really that sweaty,” admits Eminem, whose real name is not Marshall Mathers, as previously believed, but Mark Mather, without an s.

Mark Mather (Eminem) admits to adding both the s and the extra 2 miles in an attempt to amp up the appeal of his self-produced self-o-biography 8-mile, a film about himself, Mark Mather (Eminem).

Gia Mangrove Phipps, Intellectual Integrity Investigator (III) at Intellectual Integrity Investigations, Inc. (IIII) states, “I looked into Eminem’s (Mark Mather’s) case, and it appears that all numericals represented in the autobiographical film and many subsequent songs were off by at least 2. In addition to that he made numerous statements that were patently false.”

Eminem’s debut superhit “Lose Yourself” was found to be propagated on a bald-faced lie. Beginning with the implication that he had had only one shot, and only one opportunity (he actually had 3 of each), he proceeds with what is now being called, “a big, big exaggeration”.

Phipps: You mention “not getting by on your 9 to 5″…
Eminem: Yes…
Phipps: Isn’t it true, Mr. Mather, that your actual working hours were 7 to 3?
Eminem: Well, you see-
Phipps: No further questions your honor. This man is a liar. 

Eminem also confessed to other blatant distortions of truth, most heinous of which was the lie that the vomit on his sweater was comprised of remnants from a meal his mother had supposedly prepared earlier that evening. The following court transcript reveals what actually happened:

Phipps: Mr. Mather, would you please tell the court what you actually ate for dinner the night that “your palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, and there was vomit on your sweater already”?
Eminem: was spag–
Phipps: You swore on the HOLY BIBLE Mr. Mather! The truth, please!
Eminem: Ok, it was lasagna. I had lasagna.
Phipps: Whose lasagna, Mr. Mather?
Eminem: My aunt’s
Phipps: A compulsive liar, your honor.

EXHIBIT A: Spaghetti (left) Lasagna (right).
EXHIBIT B: Eminem’s mother (left) aunt (right)






What other lies has the king of lies thrust upon his devoted fans? Well for starters, he references “tearing the mother******* roof off like two dogs caged”. A friend of Mr. Mather reached for comment recalls, “There were four dogs. Two were pretty small, so I don’t know if he was lying or maybe he just didn’t see them. They were like baby chihuahuas, so, you know I guess I can see why he would not want to add that part.”

Regardless of the number of dogs in the mother******* cage, Mark Mather (Eminem) has some explaining to do.

Phipps asks that this article be shared on all social media outlets to send the following unequivocal message to Eminem:

“Give us the truth, Mark. Stop adding or subtracting two from things, or taking away an s, or naming different Italian foods to rhyme with your lyrics. We know what you are doing and we’ve had enough. Get help.”

Phipps hopes that by raising awareness of figure-fudgers like Eminem it will open up the door to fight larger issues. She is currently investigating pop sensation Ariana Grande for lying about her size. “You don’t have to be Mexican to know that grande means big,” says Phipps, “and I’ve seen that girl and she is mucho pequeño [sic].”

PETA Divided Over Planned Parenthood’s Proposed Animal Abortion Clinics

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has been pitched into a nasty internal crisis after Planned Parenthood announced it will begin offering abortions to select members of The Animal Kingdom beginning in June. Initially leveling allegations of animal cruelty at Planned Parenthood, certain PETA decision-makers intended to hit the nation’s leading abortion broker with a lawsuit that would make it illegal for them to offer abortions to animals under any circumstances. Prior to making any serious legal headway, however, PETA was stymied by division within its own ranks.


With a nearly 50/50 split between those identifying as Pro-Life and those identifying as Pro-Choice on the animal abortion issue, it seemed things could not get any dicier. While doubts were being raised as to the ability of animals to make such weighty decisions, two more subroups emerged from the fracas, raising their voices above the melee, waving their banners amid the brouhaha, touting their tenets betwixt the tumult.

The first group, self-identifying as Pro-OwnerChoice, would grant exclusive decision-making rights to the animal’s owner(s), the decision being subdivided into percentages in the event of multiple owners based on who takes care of the animal the most. In the event of a disagreement amongst equal caretakers, each owner would be required to stand at opposite ends of a large room and call to the animal. Whichever owner the animal runs to would be granted right of choice. Example: Peter says the dog is his, but mommy is the one who feeds it and cleans up the poop, so mommy gets to abort the puppies. However, in the event that duties are equally split, and the dog runs to Peter at least 6 out of 10 times, Peter may veto his mother’s decision to abort the puppies. Peter’s mother may shout, “I should have aborted you,” but Peter is still not required to rescind his decision.

The second group, Pro-Dice, suggests casting of lots for the lives of the unborn animals. Two die are rolled three times, if the result of any of the three rolls are doubles, the animals will be aborted.

Naturally, the question being asked by everyone at this point is: Given that the average gestational period of an American Possum is 12 days, at what point are unborn possum fetuses considered unabortable? Tough questions like these seem to be provoking animosity rather than constructive dialogue. For now, a story from a local family on how Planned Parenthood’s Animal Abortion Clinics is lightening the load:

“Our tabby cat Missy is on her 7th pregnancy, she’s had over 50 kittens in the last year and we just can’t keep this up, our place is already overrun with cats. We contacted Planned Parenthood and they said Missy would be a great candidate for an abortion. We were overjoyed. And the price. Don’t get me started on the price. Let’s just say we can do the abortion and take the kids out for ice cream afterwards.”