CHICAGO, ILLINOIS. Scholars now agree that the classic play Annie was in fact foretelling the sun’s public declaration of same-sex attraction in its hallmark ballad “the sun will come out tomorrow” (“Tomorrow”). The sun came out this morning in fact, Tuesday, December 30. Appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, he left the set and all 103 members of the live audience deeply moved by his story and reduced to a pile of molten ash by his hotness. The only survivor was Oprah Winfrey herself. A bionic humanoid composed of heat-resistent titanium and molybdenum alloys, Oprah was unphased by the sun’s revelation of same-sex attraction as well as his 27 million degrees of scorching heat.
Not present at the show was Elton John, who due to a previous encounter with the sun on a San Francisco beach in 1973, declined the sun’s personal invitation to attend. Although openly gay, Elton wrote the song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” after declining repeated offers of oral sex from the steaming hot ball of plasma. “I did not allow the sun to go down on me at that particular time”, recalls Elton of that steamy San Francisco afternoon, “not because I wasn’t in the mood or doubted his abilities, but because I was afraid of having my genitals incinerated by 27 million degree flaming gasses. “
When asked by Oprah about the incident, the sun just laughed and said, “Sorry, Elton. Sometimes I forget how hot I am.” While on the show, the sun promised to continue shining on all people regardless of sexuality, but did threaten to incinierate any states refusing to pass marriage equality laws.
Phil Robertson, reached for comment, lamented “They got the rainbow, now they got the sun, I guess the moon is next”. He will likely join the hoards of homophobic conservatives flocking to the optometrist office by the thousands to purchase a pair of GayBans, sunglasses specially designed to filter homosexual UV rays from the now openly gay sun. The sun’s declaration has bolstered the LGBT equal rights movement immensely as well as paved the way for other celestial bodies to embrace their sexuality.