15.5 Terrifying Quotes from Actual Unicorns

WARNING: Following are fifteen and a half quotes from some of the most cynical unicorns in history. Due to the deeply disturbing nature of this piece, we recommend not attempting to sleep for days after reading, and never under any circumstances to read them aloud in the presence of children.  

“The road to nowhere is paved with the frozen tears of slow children. Now give me the shovel.”

-A unicorn, behind Darryl’s woodshed, 1975

Darryl refused to hand over the shovel.
Darryl refused to hand over the shovel.

“By the sadistic treason of Hell’s mocking eye, I shall never be but a flamboyantly colorful graphic on a schoolboy’s backpack.”

– Randy, Ethel’s potluck, Greensborough, South Carolina 1988

“I’ll ruin you, Roth.”

-business deal gone bad, 1948


“The corn is cold, Belinda, the corn, the corn.”

– A unicorn, Old Country Buffet, Missouri 1961


“This sweet potato casserole is on point, Bonnie.”

– Same unicorn, Old Country Buffet, Missouri, 1961


“The time of doom is nigh, for the cruel blight of hip dysplasia shall cast a desolate glow o’er the writhing corpse of youth’s delusion.”

-nameless unicorn prophet, Farmer’s Almanac, July 1816, p. 37

“The green tree flourishes yet our strange souls languish in turgid squalor.”

-Brad, unicorn, this century for sure, if not last century


“Ahoy, mate, have you got the time?”

– Deceptively friendly unicorn, London, England, 3 o’clock


“The only fire that matters is the one you are standing in.”

– unicorn, Ms. P’s kindergarten class, 1991

Eric standing in fire.
Eric standing in fire.

“I loathe people.”

– unicorn, the darkness of Behemoth, Frothgrol, 1750


“There is no light at the end of the tunnel, only a wall and a stern-faced man asking for your papers.”

– Dorian Trent, Unicorn, Preston v. Alderaan, Buxton, Alabama June 1942


“Hope is an illusion. So savor the fleeting moments of mediocrity before the squalid pall of death looms over your deserted grave.”

-Linus Eldridge Hatton, II, unicorn, Raingrove, CA 1931


“Being young is a but warm-up for death. Shall we skip the warm-up for today, children?”

– Leonard Rosenthal, P.E. teacher/unicorn, Brighton Elementary, 1955


“Love is just a bunch of chemicals. Write that down.”

– Roger Amhearst, unicorn/science professor,
Lecture: “Inescapable Realities of Your Sordid Existence”, Tibet 1993


“To be or not to be? No one ever asked me.”

– Lance, unicorn, twitter, 2009


“The call is coming from insi–“

-Betsy, unicorn, R.I.P. (1969-1977)



2 thoughts on “15.5 Terrifying Quotes from Actual Unicorns

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