Alaska Belatedly Declares Plans to Secede over “Seward’s Folly” Insult

Interstate_Alaska_mapBy Spade King
23 November 2014 12:20 EDT

FAIRBANKS, AK–

Alaska is fed up with the put downs, and has declared plans to secede if even one more person refers to it as Seward’s Folly.  “It was funny for the first 100 years, but honestly it’s really starting to get old. I mean seriously, folly? Who says folly anymore? That’s so King James. The next person to make a Seward’s Folly joke is going to have the smack laid down upon them. We are fully prepared to secede, and have already received some pretty attractive offers from Canada and Russia,” Alaska stated to journalists this morning, adding that

“If you think something is yours, let it go…if it comes back, good…if not then you’re a jerk and should shut your stupid mouth.”

An internet survey revealed that 90% of Americans thought that Alaska was being overdramatic and wouldn’t actually go through with it, with 8% saying they would stop referring to the state as Seward’s Folly, wishing that Alaska had said something sooner if it was bothering them, and 2% threatening to come up with something a lot worse than Seward’s Folly.

President Obama has not stated what the official White House course of action would be should Alaska secede, but has reminded residents of the 48 contiguous states that we don’t use words like stupid, dumb or folly due to their hurtful nature. The President has also asked ringleader states California, Texas, and New York to say three nice things about Alaska, and not sarcastically or it won’t count. Experts believe the President is merely placating Alaska and is unlikely to take any real action against the bullies given his limited time remaining in office and the impending unicorn invasion.

Alaska was very clear that in the event of its secession, “We will be taking Anderson Cooper with us.”

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