After a 120,000 signature petition garnered the attention of several state representatives last week, a public bill was proposed to address what President Obama referred to as as “the atrocious and repulsive trend of playing Christmas music waaaaaaay too early.”
Congress wasted no time passing the bill, which was approved unanimously by Republicans and Democrats, effectively banning the playing of Christmas music prior to Thanksgiving. Failure to comply with the law will result in a substantial fine and/or 90 days in jail for store managers. Included in the bill is the mandatory installation of Christmas music detection technology (CMDT) in every major retail store in the U.S.
Obama states, “We are treating this as the threat that it is– on par with terrorism and Ebola; it has the potential to erode the nation’s sanity and destroy all that is pure and good in the world. As president, I will not stand idly by while endless covers of Jingle Bells assault our ears as we shop for discounted candy the day after Halloween.”
Many high-profile retailers are unhappy about the ruling, maintaining that playing the James Taylor at Christmas album on repeat is their constitutional right.
“Christmas music puts our customers in that giddy, frivolous Christmas spirit that makes them spend, spend, spend their money, money, money,” laughs area Kohl’s manager Russ Hoffman maniacally, as bolts of red and green forked lighting shoot from his fingertips into an ominous black sky.
He’s not the only one upset with the decision. “Without Christmas music, people wouldn’t fill their carts with our essentially worthless trinkets. And if they don’t fill their carts with our essentially worthless trinkets, we won’t be able to make more essentially worthless trinkets” says local Marshall’s manager Nancy Brightwood, emitting a long, guttural groan and turning empty, soulless eyes skyward. A Santa Clause figurine drops from her limp hand and shatters on the floor.
The first violation of NCMBT, and a disturbing reminder of just what sordid lows the premature playing of Christmas music has reached, took place this morning at a Home Depot in Milwaukee Wisconsin. Store patrons claimed hearing music from Christmas 2015 playing on the loudspeakers. After unsuccessfully trying to Shazaam the music, they gave up and called NCMBT’s Christmas Music Abuse Hotline. Authorities arrived on the scene and were able to identify the music as One Direction’s not-yet-recorded album “Jingle My Bells, Bae…Lol.”
“How is that even possible?” cried an incredulous Harry Styles, vocalist for One Direction. “We had jammed a bit, scratched out a few lyrics, but we haven’t even recorded a single song on the album yet! How are they playing it? This has to be illegal.” Home Depot is facing heavy fines and seeking replacements for their 3 on-duty managers who are currently serving their 90-day sentences.
Having more or less neutralized the premature Christmas music threat, Congress will likely turn their attention to a similar 80,000 signature petition seeking to ban “All About that Bass” from nationwide fitness centers. The petition gained momentum after several patrons of a 24 Hour Fitness in Chicago hurled themselves from the 40-foot high running track to avoid hearing the song again.