SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. Skeptics of Google’s Driverless Car technology had a chance to gloat yesterday after a failed autonomous vehicle test run resulted in $22,000 in damage and left local elementary school students emotionally scarred.
According to the SFPD police report, “The Google Driverless car, a 2014 Toyota Prius, veered off the road yesterday after its cameras locked onto a scantily-clad 2014 Red Lamborghini driving provocatively in a northwesterly direction on Columbus Avenue. “Dayum” the Prius is alleged to have said as it switched the song to Bruno Mars’ ‘Locked out of Heaven’, made an illegal u-turn and drove 60 mph down a crowded sidewalk. It proceeded to obliterate a taco stand, several fences, and a flock of Canadian Geese before finally catching up to the Lamborghini at the intersection of Jones and Lombard, where it began ramming its rear fender, backing up, ramming it again, and repeating this motion, lewdly, for several minutes, with ‘Cause your sex takes me to paradise. Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise’ blasting on the speakers. The 7-minute vehicular copulation session, which appears to have been somewhat consensual, took place in front of Yick Wo Elementary and was witnessed in its entirety by an estimated 250 schoolchildren. Damage was assessed at $10000 to the Lamborghini, $4000 for the taco stand, and $8000 in counseling costs for children exposed to the graphic scene.”
An anonymous spokesperson for Google said, “We are terribly sorry for everything that has happened. This should not have happened and we don’t know how it did. We will be working to correct the software errors and repay any damages incurred as soon as possible.”
SFPD has banned the driverless car indefinitely from operating in the San Francisco Bay area.
“You can’t automate self-control,” says Tom Rangle, outspoken critic of vehicle automation. “Proponents of automation have argued that vehicles do not suffer from human weaknesses such as fatigue, road rage, or distraction. Perhaps they will be adding “lust” to that list. It brings a whole new meaning to ‘sex drive’”, says Rangle, erupting into infantile laughter.
The Google car is being held in an impound lot on charges of reckless driving, failure to obey a traffic sign, and lewd conduct. It will be placed on a National Vehicle Sex Offender list and be required to make its presence known by honking loudly any time it drives through a new neighborhood.