As Ebola continues to spread, security measures are being beefed up across the globe. But as if that wasn’t a monumental enough task in itself, Ebola has developed a new, much more dangerous strain: E-bola.
While transmission of Regular Ebola, now being referred to as R-bola, has so far been limited to human to human contact, the new strain E-bola is electronically transmitted, meaning it spreads through mediums such as e-mail, online forums, chat rooms, Facebook, twitter, instagram and even text messages. “This is extremely alarming as it is the first case of cyberpropagative transmission that we know of. The implications are absolutely catastrophic,” says Thomas R. Frieden, director of the United States Center for Disease Control and Prevention.
“Right now, the best thing to do is panic,” says Frieden. “There was a chance that you were going to escape R-bola, but the odds of you not contracting E-bola is essentially zero. I’ve begun checking items off my bucket list, this could be the end of everything.”
Because wi-fi waves are basically everywhere these days, this is a virtually inescapable epidemic. Entire cities have begun digging up cable lines and issuing injunctions to major Internet Service Providers to discontinue service immediately. Defense Contractor Northrop Grumann has constructed a NoFi Dome, which has been erected over three cities to date. Results are inconclusive.
Leading cable companies Cox, Verizon and Comcast have reported enormous volumes of calls from customers requesting to discontinue internet service, for fear of contracting E-bola. Anti-virus companies such as McAfee, Norton, and Avast are working furiously to develop software to combat the spread of the deadly e-pathogen. No viable solutions have been reached as of yet.
“We strongly advise people everywhere to avoid using the internet unless absolutely necessary, and even then to wear rubber gloves and gas masks. Keeping the air condition set to 40 or below with a high-powered oscillating fan running during internet use will decrease the likelihood of breathing in E-bola infected dust from your computer’s motherboard.”
If you or someone you know has been using the internet lately, CDC asks that you call 1-800-37-EBOLA. Please burn your computer and all other wifi compatible devices before calling.
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