Tragedy on the Heels of Tigers’ Victory

by Spade King, The Spade of Kings
published Thursday, Oct 2, 20:49 EDT


A post-game celebration goes too far, leaving several players dead, maimed and missing.  After their 3-0 shut out victory over the Minnesota Twins for the AL Central Championship on Sunday, Tigers players returned to the locker room to celebrate. Missing from the fiesta was Miguel Cabrera. No one saw him leave, or knew where he went, until now. Police have confirmed Miguel Cabrera as the prime suspect in footage captured at Detroit Zoo of a man stealing 3 tigers and leaving in an unmarked van shortly after 3:30 pm Sunday afternoon. Although the whereabouts of the tigers is still uncertain, Cabrera is in police custody and has confessed to stealing the tigers in an effort to amp up what he believed to be a boring post-game celebration.

“This is a classic example of Miggy being Miggy” says Tigers’ manager Brad Ausmus. “Although this time he really crossed the line. And people are dead.”

David Price recalls, “We were all heading over to Miggy’s…someone said something about some tigers. I thought, oh they got the mascot, cool. We’re gonna party with the mascot. Well, soon as we got to Miggy’s, we’re walking up and I see the tigers, but they weren’t mascots, they were tigers, real live animal tigers. I’m like, oh no I’m out of here. I started to run, but…”

Price became emotional at this point, as he recalls seeing 240-pound teammate Joba Chamberlain dragged to the ground by a tiger.  “He told me, just go, just run. It’s too late for me. So I left him behind,” says Price. Chamberlain arrived at Birmingham Urgent Care 3 hours later after having immobilized the tiger by snapping its neck, but not before sustaining severe injuries to the abdomen and losing half of his beard. “I’m not sure how I got here,” says Chamberlain, “…and where’s my beard!?”

“This is devastating,” says Ausmus. “Simply devastating. There are no words.” Ausmus declined to comment on World Series predictions for this year or replacements for Phil Coke and Ian Kinsler, both of whom were killed by Kolyma, 13-year old Amur tiger, and Detroit Zoo’s most recent addition.

It is unclear how Cabrera slipped out of Tiger Stadium unnoticed, or gained entry into Detroit Zoo’s tiger exhibit during prime visiting hours and escaped with three tigers without being appredetbabyfawnshended, but one thing is clear: Tiger’s World Series hopes are unclear.

As the images from this gruesome tragedy is likely to leave an indelible scar on the psyche of Tigers’ fans both young and old, plans are in the works to change the mascot from a Tiger to something less vicious, like a baby fawn or a bunny rabbit.


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